The Forum Jokes Thread

[BoD]

how many man utd fans does it take to change a light bulb ?

 

six

 

one to buy the bulb one to stand on the ladder one to drive them all up from london one to go to the clubshop and buy the commerative tshirt and one to make up a song in praise of the light bulb

 

I suppose the sixth is the one Fergie had added on at the end. Edited November 12, 2013 by BoD

[pointstaken]

But would a Manchester United supporter know how to change a light bulb ?

 

Dennis

[Two_sugars]

NaH probably get the butler to do it. . . . . .

[Enterprisingwestern]

But would a Manchester United supporter know how to change a light bulb ?

 

Dennis

 

Do they even have light bulbs in Taiwan/Hong Kong/Japan/(insert fanbase of choice)

 

Mike.

[kevinlms]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'



Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!



The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

[C&WR]

The three in #1558 also once discussed what they did with the contents of the collection plate.

 

Fr Flannery said that it was simple.  He drew a chalk circle on the floor, threw the plate in the air and what landed in the circle was God's, what landed outside was his.

 

The Rev Billy Bob was astounded.  He did almost exactly the same, but what landed outside was Gods & what landed inside was his.

 

The Rabbi said he didn't bother with the circle.  He threw the plate in the air and what God could catch he keeps...

[Budgie]

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

 

 

 

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

 

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

 

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

 

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, s*domy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. S*domy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

 

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew. The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

 

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

 

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

Edited November 13, 2013 by Budgie

[RhBBob]

Apparently the manufacturers of Senokot are thinking of suing the manufacturers of Voltarol .........for pinching their catchphrase.....

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get me coat

[Londontram]

Voltarol..... wasn't he in Harry Potter? 

[Enterprisingwestern]

Voltarol..... wasn't he in Harry Potter? 

 

No, that was Walmart.

 

Mike.

[andytrains]

In a train compartment, there are three men and a young woman.

They start a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young lady says "If each of you will give me £1, I will show you my legs."

The men all agee and pay. And then the girl then pulls up her dress and shows her legs.

She then says, "If each of you give me £10, I'll show you my thighs,", and again they pay. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

She then says if you will give me £100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.

They all pay with great gusto and the girl then turns to the window and points outside at the hospital building in the distance and says "Thats where I had it done!" 

Edited November 14, 2013 by andytrains

[Highlandman]

Why did the punk cross the road?

 

'Cause he was stapled to the chicken.

[Wacol]

How Rugby Backs got their name.

 

 

It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game rugby,

that in the very early days it started off purely as a contest for forwards

in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men

of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence in

packs against one another.

 

 In those days, the winner was the pack that had gained most set pieces. The

debasement of the game began when backs were introduced. This occurred

because a major problem was where to locate the next scrum or line-out.

Selecting positions on the ground for these had become a constant source of

friction and even violence.

 

 The problem was resolved through a stratagem of  employing forward rejects,

men of small stature and limited intelligence, to select positions on the

field from where, when in receipt of the ball they could be guaranteed to

drop it in a random pattern but usually, as far from the last set piece as

possible. Initially these additional players were entirely unorganized but

with the passing of time they adopted positions.

 

For instance, the half-back. He was usually generally the smallest and least

intelligent of the backs whose role was simply to accept the ball and pass

it on. He could easily (given his general size) have been called a quarter

forward or a ball monkey but then tolerance and compassion are the keys to

forward play and the present inoffensive description was decided upon.

 

 The five-eighth plays next to the half-back and his role is essentially the

same except that, when pressured he usually panics and kicks the ball.

Normally, he is somewhat taller and slightly better built than the half-back

and hence his name. One-eighth less and he would have been a half-back,

three-eighths more and he might well have qualified to become a forward.

 

 The centres were opportunists who had no specific role to play but who were

attracted to the game by the glamour associated with forward packs. After

repeated supplication to the forwards for a role in the game they would be

told to get out in the middle and wait for the ball. Thus, when asked where

they played, they would reply "in the centre". And they remain to this day,

opportunists and scroungers, men so accustomed to making excuses for bad

hands and errant play that most become solicitors or real estate agents.

 

 You may ask, why wingers? The answer is simple. Originally these were

players who had very little ability and were the lowest in the backline

pecking order. They were placed far from the ball and given the generally

poor handling by the inside backs, were rarely given the opportunity to even

touch the ball. This is basically why, through a process of natural

selection, they became very fast runners and developed the ability to

evade tackles.

 

But to get back to the name. The fact that they got so little ball led to

the incessant flow of complaints from them and the eventual apt description

"whingers". Naturally, in the modern game, the name has been adapted to

become more acceptable.

 

 Lastly, the full-back. This was the position given to the worst handler, the

person least able to accept or pass the ball, someone who was always in the

way.. the name arose because, infuriated by the poor play invariably

demonstrated by that person, the call would come "send that fool back" and

he would be relegated to the rear of the field.

 

 So there you have it. The fact is that if a side does not have eight men of

statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence then they

might as well play soccer."

[DonB]

Quote:-

 

"It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game rugby,

that in the very early days it started off purely as a contest for forwards

in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men

of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence in

packs against one another.

 

 In those days, the winner was the pack that had gained most set pieces. The

debasement of the game began when backs were introduced."

 

Sounds remarkably like the Eton Wall Game! 

 

I have seen (once only!) the Eton game played, I'm not sure that anyone understood the rules, assuming that there are any rules to understand, and it will never catch-on, there has not been a score for many years.

I make no claim that the epithet "men of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence" applied to the contestants seen at Eton.!

Edited November 15, 2013 by DonB

[pH]

I have seen (once only!) the Eton game played, I'm not sure that anyone understood the rules, assuming that there are any rules to understand

 

Sort of 'Mornington Crescent' with a ball, then?

[andytrains]

Quote:-

 

"It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game rugby,

that in the very early days it started off purely as a contest for forwards

in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men

of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence in

packs against one another.

 

 In those days, the winner was the pack that had gained most set pieces. The

debasement of the game began when backs were introduced."

 

Sounds remarkably like the Eton Wall Game! 

 

I have seen (once only!) the Eton game played, I'm not sure that anyone understood the rules, assuming that there are any rules to understand, and it will never catch-on, there has not been a score for many years.

I make no claim that the epithet "men of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence" applied to the contestants seen at Eton.!

Looks like Eton Mess!

[andytrains]

"Bert, you'll never guess what I found today. A girl tied to a railway track, it was like something from a silent film."

 

"Blooming heck Dave, what did you do?"

 

"Well, I untied her, and we made mad passionate love as a way of thanks to me!"

 

"Wow, that's really great, was she beautifull?"

 

"Not sure, as I couldn't find her head!

[peanuts]

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting........ 'Oh- my- God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[Welchester]

Quote:-

 

"It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game rugby,

that in the very early days it started off purely as a contest for forwards

in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men

of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence in

packs against one another.

 

 In those days, the winner was the pack that had gained most set pieces. The

debasement of the game began when backs were introduced."

 

Sounds remarkably like the Eton Wall Game! 

 

I have seen (once only!) the Eton game played, I'm not sure that anyone understood the rules, assuming that there are any rules to understand, and it will never catch-on, there has not been a score for many years.

I make no claim that the epithet "men of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence" applied to the contestants seen at Eton.!

In that year (1921) one of the players was Eric Blair (George Orwell), who, though lacking fitness, might have qualified for two of those epithets.

[PGC]

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

 

 

 

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

 

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

 

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

 

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, s*domy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. S*domy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

 

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew. The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

 

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

 

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

 

Italy has designed a new tank. It has one forward gear and six reverse.

[PGC]

_{A farmer had just 10 cows from which he just about managed to make a living.}

 

_{One winter morning he woke up to find that the weather had been so cold that all his cows were frozen solid. "Oh no!", cried the farmer "What am I going to do? How can I feed my family now? I'm ruined!".}

 

_{Just then, a little old lady came into the field and seeing his distress, said "Don't worry, I can help you". She went round all the cows one by one, looked into their eyes, stroked their heads, tweaked their ears and blew warm breath up their noses. Gradually, one by one, they all came to. The farmer was really grateful and asked the little old lady how he could repay her, but she said "It's OK, I don't want anything. I'm just so happy that I was able to help". And with that she shuffled off into the distance.}

 

_{The farmers' next door neighbour, who had been watching the proceedings with great interest, said to his friend "Do you know who that was?" The farmer said "No, isn't she just a kind old lady?". "No" said his neighbour. "That's Thora Hird!"}

[PGC]

A PERSPECTIVE ON STRATEGIES (OR ‘DOESN’T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?’)

 

 

Navajo tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

1. Buying a stronger whip.

 

2. Changing riders.

 

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

 

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

 

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

 

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

 

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

 

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

 

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

 

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

 

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

 

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

 

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

 

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

 

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

 

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

 

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

 

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

 

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[PhilJ W]

Italy has designed a new tank. It has one forward gear and six reverse.

I thought that was a standard fitting on all Italian tanks?

[PhilJ W]

 

A PERSPECTIVE ON STRATEGIES (OR ‘DOESN’T THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?’)

 

 

Navajo tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

1. Buying a stronger whip.

 

2. Changing riders.

 

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

 

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

 

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

 

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

 

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

 

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

 

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

 

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

 

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

 

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

 

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

 

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

 

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

 

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

 

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

 

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

 

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

I can think of several of my former bosses where 21 applied.

[Tony_S]

I thought that was a standard fitting on all Italian tanks?

My father used to get really cross whenever he heard that remark.