The Forum Jokes Thread

[AndyB]

Seems the two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope on his first day in office. 
 

All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"

Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - 

"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."

 

 

I'll get me cassock.

Andy

[Mike J]

TOY STORY

 

Ever wonder if Woody and Buzz found Andy's mums toys?

 

And would they have the same names?

[Claude_Dreyfus]

I recently bought a reflective waistcoat...

 

 

 

 

It just sits in the corner reading works by Proust and Descartes.

[Mike J]

I recently went shopping for some camouflage trousers, but despite an extensive search I couldn't find any.

[graeme3300]

A Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on.

[Mike J]

My other half bought a cook book the other day 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she a vegetarian...... 

[Enterprisingwestern]

I think my wife has just bought a New Zealand cookery book,,,,

 

our meals are All Black.

 

Mike.

[BoD]

Given that both Popes are now in residence will the Vatican be known as Frankie and Benny's?

[Claude_Dreyfus]

My mate's kid was recently baptised Times New Roman.

 

 

 

I think the vicar used the wrong font....

[Claude_Dreyfus]

So I just found out that Magnesium and Oxygen can get together,

 

I was like OMg.

[DonB]

I think that this has been around for some time, but don't remember it here previously..... apologies if it is "old hat".

 

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference 
held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:  

Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. 
His final challenge was this: 

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. 

Here is his astute answer: 

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. 
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" 

His answer was received with a standing ovation.

[peanuts]

Dear Technical Support,

 

Six years ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

 

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

 

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

 

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

 

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

 

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

 

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

[PGC]

What does DNA stand for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

National Dyslexic Association.

[tomparryharry]

Took a maths exam this week.

 

I'm not confident.

 

It seems I've got a 70/40 chance of passing....

 

Ian

[steve1]

 

steve

[steve1]

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when the wife said "You spoil those dogs!"

 

steve

[Sidecar Racer]

I'm getting married again before age realy

gets to me .

 

Chatted to the good lady about about any changes

we would need to make

She said: I want to keep my house.

I said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my  nice car

I said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

I said: OK, put me down for Fridays.

[Sidecar Racer]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your b**bs."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[Dave47549]

.

Edited October 1, 2021 by Dave47549
Removed pointless guff

[BoD]

A mathematical joke ......

 

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

[lankyphil]

[Claude_Dreyfus]

Which reminds me.

 

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'...

 

 

 

...you probably saw our posters.

[Claude_Dreyfus]

Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy...

[lakeview770]

Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy...

Douglas Adams Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy was a five part Trilogy

[DonBradley]

I thought tha I had posted a Good Morning message but it' appears to have disappeared!

So Good Morning.

It appears to be a glorious day. No wind, 25C promised and npt a c;oud in sight.

Happy Tuesday to you all.