Early Risers.

[polybear]

Bear's Sunday Funnies....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They say '70 is the new 50'.
I still got three points on my licence though.

 

District nurse tells father of the newborn that he can go bathe the child.
She goes into the bathroom to see dad holding the infant by the ear and swishing him around the bathtub.
"We don't bathe a baby like that, young man"!!!
"You do when the water's bluddy hot".

 

A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".

 

Some bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Have you got a dog?"
I said, "Yes, why?"
He said, "Is it white, overweight, quite hairy and has a really ugly face?"
I said, "Yes, why?"
He said, "I think I've just killed it with my car".
"Well it can't be mine", I replied.
"Mine is in bed, eating toast and watching Jeremy Kyle".

 

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene
11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realise watch is broken

 

I’m looking for somewhere to stay temporarily while I recover from a rather nasty injury that happened just before I became homeless.
What happened was my wife told me to go to the chemist’s and get some of those pills that might reawaken the part that has been inactive for a while now.
So I did and the last thing I seem to remember was handing her the big box of slimming pills.

 

JOB VACANCY.
Carpenters Urgently Required.
Cabinet falling apart-- Apply to
10 Downing Street,
London.
No Tools required the building is full of them.

 

A Woman sends a text to her husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, buy the bread.

 

Me and the Mrs were in town earlier when this woman came over and said to her:
"Your husband reminds me of my cat"
"Don't tell me" she said "smooth, sleek and loyal?"
"No" she laughed "they both like sitting in the tree outside my bedroom window"

 

 

 

[Grizz]

So yesterday I got stabbed twice…..this despite the fact that last time I got stabbed was 27th November 2021.

 

Apparently loosing my initial stabbing records in 2020  and therefore forgetting to book me in for my second stabbing wasn’t enough for the Fudge Wits at Sewer Stream Surgery.gov.uk…l this only got resolved after we kept chasing it up.
 

All this doesn’t entirely inspire enormous confidence in the communication system, considering that my specialist notified them numerous times and especially as I am an out patient at the premier respiratory hospital in London and I am going to be extremely clinically vulnerable for the remainder of my puff.  
 

So it was with this previous level of serial Fudge Wittery in mind that I hatched an extremely cunning plan. So cunning in fact, “that you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel!”

 

It involved, you’ll be amazed to know, heading to the High Church of Harveys and investing heavily in liquid shares, in the form of 12 pints of Old Ale Anaesthetic.
 

So far this old Grizz is feeling just fine…despite being stabbed with Covid and Flu. Just so long as I can see the barrel and pour the next one.

 

This is working especially well as Kelly’s Heroes’ is on TV…..

 

”oh man don’t hit me with those negative waves so early in the morning!”
 

 

[TheQ]

Afternoon Awl,

Off cuts of timber have a home here, until they turn to ash in the stove..

 

Of motorcycles, I had a sail with my sailing compatriot for the first time in 3 years today, complete with metal scaffolding holding his right femur together, and more metal reinforcing his right wrist..

He turned up on his Triumph Bonneville T120, only 500 miles on the clock and it's due it first MOT next week.

 

We actually had two trips out, the second with rigging corrected from the first run. We couldn't have a race today as two boats were were expecting had their owners off sick, others didn't turn up, and there is a final big event at another summer club that hasn't closed yet.

 

There was a good dinghy turnout though.. 

 

We both decided next week's 6 hour race would be too much for us, his right leg was quite painful, as was my left knee..

So I've volunteered for rescue boat next week, I put the buoys out today, in a shiny new rescue boat, much better than before and a 30 hp engine instead of the old 15s.

 

[The White Rabbit]

42 minutes ago, Grizz said:

...  ”oh man don’t hit me with those negative waves so early in the morning!”

 

Some 'negative' waves:

 

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

All hail liquid anesthetic... 

 

[New Haven Neil]

Evening, from a rock that is finally hosting a Fraggle who is feeling better.  Mostly.  That was quite a rough do.

 

As for the birch - yes, petty crime increased.  The last person birched owns the company that built our back porch, he seemed quite proud of it, but also said it definitely turned him away from a life of petty crime and perhaps more.  The threat of it was enough to deter many, it only needed one in a cohort of bad'uns to experience it to send out a strong message. Bl@@dy Court of Human Rights.....

 

I did manage archery today, just as spotter.  Just as well as the group had an absolute blinder, all 6 posted their best scores of the year, Mrs NHN was second (by 3 points!) and new guy Steve got over 300 which is a damn good round of our course for a 'yearling'.

 

Motorbikes. Ah....well, all the injuries I carry were caused by walking, cycling or working...none by any of the 40-odd bikes I/we have had! Mrs H and myself met through our love of them and they have dominated our lives really this last 40 years.  They are a strong, addictive drug.  I was never a really mad, daft rider, perhaps explaining my survival, but I can get a pretty serious move on road riding, and have been known to appear on the odd track over the years.  Smoothness and observation.  No more of that racing lark now for sure, too old, too poor and too frail.  There's still 6, well 5 and a half road bikes in the garage though. One of them is mine......cough.  I have to clean them all though!

 

My best mate was killed on a bike, the difficult thing to take is he was stationary at the time.  He got run into/over.  When your name's on it, it's on it, bike or whatever.

 

 

[PhilJ W]

Afternoon all from Estuary-Land. Didn't spend much at the toy fair, £4.99 in all £2 on a second hand booklet on Portugese trams and £2.99 for a small diorama in a perspex box. Interesting subject, a Victorian print shop, scale approx 1/72. What with visiting Tess Coes afterwards bought Arthur Itis out of his cave so I had to take a couple of co-codamol and a stretch out on the bed with some eyelid inspection. Now for dinner, be back later.

[pH]

The moon last night:
 

 

There are still wildfires burning fairly locally. The smoke in the air has this effect on the appearance of the moon.

 

(Picture taken by a neighbour. Mine weren’t up to this standard.)

Edited October 16, 2022 by pH

[simontaylor484]

It seems to have dropped cold tonight but i am suffering with a chest infection. Antibiotics have been prescribed along with having to use my blue Inhaler. I have got in bed to keep warm bu99er turning the heating on.

[polybear]

Bear here....

A quiet afternoon, including watching a recent (2016) "Tarzan" movie - not bad, but no classic; the animal special effects were clever though.

 

Bear has just received a polite snottogram from the 'bay to report that a recent sale (twenty quid plus a fiver postage) has yet to arrive - though all other items posted that same day have arrived.  Turdycurses.  RM tracking is f.useless, and if it doesn't arrive by Thursday then the 'bay "make a decision". No doubt this'll mean they'll hand the money back to the buyer.  Quite how that'll all work out when (hopefully) the item is delivered if it's after the 20th is a good question, as the buyer will have the goods and Bear's money..... 

That's a full blown damn piggin' Turdycurses then.

 

The good news is that Bear's new TC Soldering Station has been delivered by The Big River, so Bear has a new toy to play with tomorrow.

[Ozexpatriate]

11 hours ago, jjb1970 said:

Corporal punishment here is pretty brutal, those wielding the cane know their trade and make sure it hurts, I am guessing it's not something people want to experience twice.

There was a bit of an international incident some years ago when a youthful* US citizen studying in Singapore was caned.

 

* If my arithmetic is correct he might have been 18 at the time of his alleged crimes. He had plead guilty under the proviso that this plea would preclude a caning sentence.

 

While worse things happen routinely in the US, in an extra-legal manner, corporal punishment is considered a violation of the "cruel and unusual punishment clause" of the Eighth Amendment.

[southern42]

' evening all from red dragon land.

Came down this morning to find it was 7.3°C outside, the morning's sun raising it to 10.6°C.  Inside it was 17.7° having gone up a mere  0.1°C.

Anyway, it was warm enough to nip out and find a few smallish colourful lumps of rock and clean them up. I have a plant basket with bedraggled plants that need replacing. I was thinking of turning it into a miniature garden to house my new flute playing figure and my little gardener.

 

Acorns are from the grounds of the Talyllyn (2005), Llanberis Lake (2019), and Conwy Valley (2022) railways. The hazel nuts (rear left) and rowan berries (rear right) are local (2021). 

 

Mugadecaf time again then maybe a bit of tv - if there is anything on!

 

Just like to mention that I had edited this and added a little more, had dinner, came back and it had reverted to an earlier version.

No idea  why. ????? So the only bit I have now changed is 'evening' instead of 'afternoon'!

 

Polly

[simontaylor484]

@polybear will you be able to claim compensation from RM?

[Ozexpatriate]

10 hours ago, monkeysarefun said:

So where's the Jenny Agutter Barbie huh?

Don't you have access to one of those fancy high-end "additive manufacturing" (aka 3D printing) machines. Presumably you could be commissioned to build a bespoke one - for the right consideration.

[Ozexpatriate]

Portland set a record high temperature for October 15 - 87°F / >30°C. We are likely to have another day >80°F / 27°C today.

 

'Normal' high temperatures for this time of year is <20°C.

 

Air pollution ("moderate", US AQI of 63) is better than it has been, though wildfire smoke persists as a brown stain on the horizon. Television meteorologists are teasing the possibility of rain next weekend.

 

Meanwhile people are walking to a rocky outcrop in the middle of the Mississippi River that is normally inaccessible by foot and geologists are examining a old volcanic ash layer* in the walls of Lake Mead now exposed by low water.

 

* 12 million years old that may have come from the Snake River plain/Yellowstone hot spot.

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by Ozexpatriate

[polybear]

30 minutes ago, simontaylor484 said:

@polybear will you be able to claim compensation from RM?

 

Not sure on that - I'm guessing no, unless it's permanently lost; I used signed-for delivery but not one that specified a guaranteed delivery time (such as next day).  I'm also guessing that RM have a heap of get-out clauses buried in their T's & C's - which will no doubt include strike action.  'Sterds.

 

Incidentally, a shamefully belated Happy Anniversary from this Bear....who bows head in shame...

[Ozexpatriate]

I learned of a new word today - "majusculation" from "majuscule", originally the opposite of "miniscule". 

 

Majusculation Refers to Capitalizing Words That Do Not Begin a Sentence, though it could also refer to ALL CAPS.

[Gwiwer]

Urgghhhh 

 

Dr. SWMBO’s flight, due to land at 05.05, is expected at 04.39. 
 

I’d better re-set the alarm and get some kip!  
 

G’night all 

[New Haven Neil]

Oh, water. 

 

We had a hosepipe ban again this summer, with the usual descriptions of irretrievable shortages, just like last year.  It was reported this last week our reservoirs are now at 98%. Just like last year.

 

One thing is for sure, we do not understand weather yet.  Change is absolutely undeniable, understanding, really understanding it, I think is way beyond us as yet.

[Coombe Barton]

... today writing workshops, made very much longer by a bug in Excel that’s been there since at least 2006 ...

 

https://johncolby.wordpress.com/2022/10/16/have-we-peaked-2/

[Coombe Barton]

35 minutes ago, Ozexpatriate said:

I learned of a new word today - "majusculation" from "majuscule", originally the opposite of "miniscule". 

 

Majusculation Refers to Capitalizing Words That Do Not Begin a Sentence, though it could also refer to ALL CAPS.

Two sources that probably don't resolve conflicts  - Oxford Manual of Style on titles and headlines, and capitalisation in Harvard referencing.

[PhilJ W]

Evening all from Estuary-Land. I've been watching a program about the Glacier Express (Channel Four 7:00 pm). Another one for the bucket list. What is amazing is the on board catering serving three course meals to all 280 passengers from a miniscule kitchen. They also serve only local produce fresh not frozen. The get the requests from diners and the chef messages ahead what is required and it is ready to be loaded at the next station. Typical Swiss efficiency as @iL Dottore would say.

[simontaylor484]

3 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

Evening all from Estuary-Land. I've been watching a program about the Glacier Express (Channel Four 7:00 pm). Another one for the bucket list. What is amazing is the on board catering serving three course meals to all 280 passengers from a miniscule kitchen. They also serve only local produce fresh not frozen. The get the requests from diners and the chef messages ahead what is required and it is ready to be loaded at the next station. Typical Swiss efficiency as @iL Dottore would say.

My parents went on the Glacier express about 10 years ago and loved it. My Dad's health has prevented a return 

[jamie92208]

59 minutes ago, Ozexpatriate said:

I learned of a new word today - "majusculation" from "majuscule", originally the opposite of "miniscule". 

 

Majusculation Refers to Capitalizing Words That Do Not Begin a Sentence, though it could also refer to ALL CAPS.

It's also the French words for capitals and lower case as I found out when trying to get a password.

 

Jamie

Edited October 16, 2022 by jamie92208

[PhilJ W]

Its now persisting down outside. Fortunately it is forecast to have stopped by mid morning tomorrow.

[monkeysarefun]

2 hours ago, Ozexpatriate said:

Don't you have access to one of those fancy high-end "additive manufacturing" (aka 3D printing) machines. Presumably you could be commissioned to build a bespoke one - for the right consideration.

 

 

He has misused these pages to diss both Lamingtons AND Neighbours so shall expect no miniature Jenny Agutter from me. 

 

 

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by monkeysarefun